The trough after the peak
For something that comes around like clockwork, it is surprising how unexpected it always feels. No matter how many times before it has happened, and no matter how miserable it actually was, it still catches me off guard when I realise that I am in the midst of a downward turn in my emotions and moods.
There seems to be some kind of amnesia as soon as things are better, where I mistakenly assume they will always be so, and forget how bleak some of the other periods have truly felt, and to be aware of the signs of what is going on in my head. Admittedly it has been some time since this has happened, though, so I should be a bit more understanding of myself.
For me the low moods typically come after a peak. In this case, at the weekend seeing friends and family. A mix of frenzied socialising and activity, but also a level of novelty to it all, which after three months or so of social abstinence due to the pandemic, was likely to be somewhat overwhelming. The difference when Monday hits, when everything goes quiet again, and we have to get back to being productive and figuring out our problems, has this week hit me like a train.
It isn’t just a “Monday” feeling sort of phenomenon. I spent over a year receiving cognitive behavioural therapy to manage my moods, which included periods of “depression” and more manic periods, anxiety and also low self esteem centred on my body and general abilities. So I am usually able to tell when it is just normal life problems, or something more which is affecting my outlook on everything.
The only way I can describe it today is a kind of low level panic or worry and a real physical tiredness. Nothing particularly new has happened, but my first perspective on everything I think about or encounter tends to be always at the most negative end of potential options or reactions. I really feel like when I am like this, a heavy pessimism and fear hangs over my thoughts, polluting how I feel and engage with everything and everyone.
With every new task or situation I come up against my brain starts from a position of “you can’t do that”, “you will fuck it up”, “everything is going to go wrong for you, you cannot help yourself but mess up”, “that is far too complicated and hard for you, you don’t know how to do it and you are too thick to learn it.” The flight response is the preferred option in every situation.
The only options when I feel like this are just to try and plough through it, whilst ignoring the worst of it. Often I will listen to slow repetitive trance music. The constant beat allows me to slog on, whilst blocking much of my thoughts. Things need to be done, and to let it take over me and allow myself to wallow too much is to run the risk of making it worse. Though this is not always possible and at times you just have to.
And so today I have allowed myself to work on my bed. After initially climbing in it and sleeping this morning. I feel bad for giving in and allowing myself to do that, but for some reason I have no energy and I feel exhausted, which even if not related isn’t helping. The fear just got the most of me and I wanted to be asleep. I feel an incredibly heaviness around my eyes. When I went to the gym this morning with Arne, I felt as though every time I closed my eyes, I could be asleep in seconds if I did not immediately reopen them. I feel my appetite has gone. None of these are unusual for when this happens and they do not last for long.
Normally this can last for a couple of days. I know I have to just let it happen, and try to use the methods I know and learnt from my therapist to make the most of it and function as best as possible whilst it is happening.
This involves a combination of breaking problems down to their smallest parts and focusing on things one at a time where possible. This in the past was not always achievable, but it is important. On many occasions the combination of a negative perspective and an inability to look at just one problem, but only to see them all hanging there unsolved, can lead to panic and it can become overwhelming.
I described it to my therapist as being like an oil tanker in a storm before separate compartments were put inside the ship to stop it sinking. Before this the oil would roll from one side of the ship, building momentum as it went back and forth, and running the risk of sinking the ship. The compartments prevent momentum from building up too much and keep the ship more steady. I think of it in life as if the compartments are your ability to look at problems individually and also the people you can talk to and rationalise your problems with. Without them, like the oil in a ship in a storm, panic can quickly ensue and the momentum and fear from seeing so many problems all at once and being unable to get a second opinion can be devastating.
It has actually been quite sometime since this has happened to be honest. I’ve been much better at managing myself in all honesty. So I assume this is why today it has caught me off guard.
Right now I sit here on my bed watching the clouds go by as I slowly work through some revisions to a paper I am writing with my professor. I’m allowing myself to work through the low hanging fruit of tasks I need to do. Yes, this does mean I am avoiding the hard jobs, but it is better than doing nothing. Or so I tell myself. The window is open and a cold breeze is coming in. I am trying not to focus on everything I need to do, but just picking one thing at a time and working through it. As long as I feel I have used my time well, I can be satisfied I’ve done all I can, even if there is a lot still to do. Or so I tell myself.
Peace will come at 20:00 when I begin to cook. I can forget about everything I need to do and just look forward to Arne being home. Eating something nice and being held for a while.
Until then. I just need to endure it.
Sam
P.S.
I normally write these sorts of things in my journal where I collate all of my moods etc. Not because I have anything particularly important to say, but it is part of the therapy to record what you think/feel and also did to identify patterns and triggers. I still do this most days, even if I am no longer seeing my therapist for some time. Today I decided to do it here whilst I took a break. To be clear this is not some kind of cry for help. I know that it will pass after some days and I will be completely fine and also how to manage it. I share it just in case anyone is interested/wants to read about it and/or wants to talk about their experiences with me.
