“Eiersla”, sanitary bins and the hell that is working with children…

Firstly, I just want to explain that there is an actual reason as to why I am calling this by its dutch name, Eiersla (egg salad), as opposed to calling it egg mayonnaise, as we would normally refer to it in the UK.

I feel that to write about, and also include a recipe for egg mayonnaise, would be sufficiently embarrassing already, and make me enough of a twat, but I also find that the name itself will never not make me feel like I want to vomit.

I used to work in childcare in a kids club that provided wrap around school care. In the evening we would give the kids sandwiches. Little triangles filled with either ham, cheese, tuna or egg mayonnaise.

Invariably the children would leave the egg sandwiches, and so we’d be left with a tray of slowly solidifying, congealing, and hardening egg sandwiches for the rest of our shift.

When I think about it I can still smell the hydrogen sulfide, or whatever it is that makes eggs smell like farts, emanating from the bin if they hadn’t been cleared out during the night/next morning by the leisure centre cleaning staff.

Another typical workplace obstacle was that if the children did eat them, they would inevitably end up more on their faces than in their actual mouths. So you would most likely have to spend much of your shift trying to get them to clean the egg mayo off their faces, whilst avoiding any eggy hands trying to grab you as you did.

There was one girl, however, who loved egg sandwiches. We’d been told by her mother not to let her have extra food or more than any of the other children, as they were trying to stop her putting weight on. And so we did do as we were told by her mother, but 8 year old Beth always had other ideas.

When we weren’t looking she would sneak off to grab the leftover sandwiches and eat all of them (even on one occasion from the bin). She would then with a straight face deny it, with the filling plastered all over her cheeks..

She would, however, get her own back on all of us. We used to play a game when it was raining to pass the time where we would hide a toy somewhere in the room and everyone would have to find it. On this occasion it was Beths go. Whilst our eyes were closed she went into the connecting bathroom and dropped it in the bin for sanitary towels and tampons. Meaning I would have to reach in and get it out. I dare say we were never really any match for her..

This recipe is actually one I have stolen from my bf. For most of our relationship he was trying to get me to eat this, but owing to my trauma from all of the above and snobbishness, I adamantly refused, insisting I would rather die..

But anyway, after over a year of saying no, I finally said “OK I will try it if you never insist on me eating it again”.

And, low and behold, as with many of these things that you build up opposition to in your head, it is actually not what it seems, and a very big and very difficult dismounting from ones high horse is required.

Ingredients

Serves two

• 5 eggs
• 2–3 tablespoons of mayonnaise (try to do less than you think. You can always add more, you just sadly cannot take it away if it is too wet)
• Sriracha
• 1 tablespoon curry powder (I have madras curry powder, and yes I know this is starting to sound a little odd)
• Salt & pepper
• Baguette to serve on.
• Optional (ham — smoked salmon)

Method

I feel like a bit of a knob now, as the ingredients list above is both as simple as it is 70s kitch, with the curry powder etc, but I have eaten this at least once a week since march, and I will not have a bad word said against it.

You need to boil the eggs until fully cooked, so around 7 minutes. You can do less, and I often do, as I like the yolks a little soft, but not liquid. I find the lesser cooked way more tasty, though my bf hates it, and so if we’re both eating it together, I am banned from doing so.

This is also, incidentally, the only way he will eat eggs. For along with chocolate, avocados, green peas and sweet potatoes, eggs are completely off any menu for us both.

Whilst the eggs are boiling, find a bowl big enough to eventually hold all of the ingredients minus the bread. Place the curry powder, sriracha, salt and pepper together in the bowl and then mix in the mayonaise. Once it is all mixed together, taste it to see if you think it needs more of any ingredient. You should try to over season it a tiny bit at this point, as it will eventually become blunted by the later addition of the egg.

Once the eggs are cooked, take the pan to the sink and shock them by pouring cold water over them to stop them cooking. Remove the shells and then place the eggs in the bowl. With a fork slowly mash the egg together with the spiced mayonnaise until you have a fully mixed crumbly mess.

Serve on fresh bread, bagels or toast. I sometimes have ham or smoked salmon with it. If I have chives I will add them too.

I get that this is a bit weird and kind of eccentric, basically “curry egg mayonnaise”, but I’ve been eating it once a week for months now, and I was 100% completely wrong to be so sneery about it. It’s a simple breakfast that is a little different and a bit camp and retro.

Enjoy

Sam